Taming Kong

Title by Tommy, story by Dara

It had been a night of little sleep when I glanced down at my gas gauge and realized I needed to stop and refuel before heading home. I could feel time piling up on itself, keeping me from my bed. I remember looking in the mirror at the gas station. My eyes were ringed with dark circles and little tufts of blonde hair stuck up around my face at odd angles. Splashing cold water on my face I headed back outside. I was surprised to hear my name being called when I stepped out of the door. I looked over and there was Tommy, sitting in a red Durango beckoning me over to him.

We had grown up together. From the time I moved to Montana at the age of six he had been a part of my life. In school we played together, had classes together, traveled to sporting events together. Weekends and evenings were spent at the same friend’s house watching movies, seeing how big a bonfire could get, how fast a sled could go pulled behind a four wheeler, who could design the best potato gun, and all sorts of other fun things. The wildest ideas were always Tommy’s. He was fearless. Not afraid to do what he wanted. Not afraid of authority. This led to plenty of trouble for him in our youth, but he also got to experience so many things I was too afraid to try.

I hadn’t seen him in years. I had left school a year early to travel in Europe and finish my high school career online. Shortly after returning home I got married, adopted four children, and started working towards my college degree. He graduated high school and joined the Marine Corps taking him to California and then to Afghanistan. Our lives ceased to run parallel to each other.

Tommy in Afghanistan
Graduation at the University of Phoenix Stadium

I had been married for two years when I heard that while on foot patrol in Sangin, Afghanistan, my beloved childhood friend had stepped on an IED. I didn’t know whether he would survive or what kind of condition he would be in if he did. I was a tautly strung ball of emotion for days, constantly checking Facebook to see if there were any updates. The rest of our small Montana town an the surrounding communities were also shaken. All the sudden the war was real for us. When Tommy stepped on the IED he lost his left leg up to his hip, his right leg above his knee, and all of the fingers on his left hand. He was going to live, but his life had been irrevocably altered.

Tommy in Bethesda where he went through over 21 surgeries

He spent the next couple of years adjusting to his new state of being. Besides becoming used to getting around in a wheelchair, he had been left-handed and had to get used to using his right hand. He lived in California but would occasionally travel home to Montana. The Tommy I encountered when he was home seemed to be his usual charismatic self in public and his usual cynical self the few times we visited alone. Eventually, he decided it was time to move home permanently.

Tommy at a football game in our home town

I hadn’t seen him often in the years since he had been home. On one occasion he had asked to borrow money, so I met him in the parking lot of my work. We went way back and if he needed a little help… I was there. He seemed… off when I met up with him. His eyes, normally so full of life and mischief, were dark and glassy. Like the fire within him had been put out. He was so serious, never smiling. It felt like I was talking to a stranger.

It turns out that he had been having a love affair with opioids, heroin, and meth.

When I saw him at that gas station, years later, his eyes were still dark and glassy. He smiled a bit more, but it never did reach his eyes. He told me that he had just spent the better part of a year in jail for possession, but was “doing good” now. Upon finding out that I was now divorced, he asked me out for coffee. I said, “Sure, let’s do that,” but he could tell my words were hollow. I wanted nothing to do with that.

One of Tommy’s booking photos

A few months went by and I got a message from Tommy. He was in the treatment center at Fort Harrison and wanted to catch up. He isn’t a fan of typing so we video called. I was so happy to see that the Tommy I remembered from childhood was still there! His eyes were full of life! He was joking and laughing and helping me take life’s everyday moments with joy and humor. I had missed my friend. We enjoyed talking to each other so much that soon it was an everyday occurrence. I looked forward to hearing from him and finding out his insights on our days and the world in general between his sessions and the workouts he had started. Talking to him became my solace from life’s trials.

Video chatting from a treatment center

I got to see him in person in the beginning of February 2019. What had been video calls very easily fell in to real life interaction and I enjoyed my time with him. Then one day… he didn’t answer my call right away like he usually did. Hours and hours later I got a phone call from him, “I’m sorry but I relapsed. I don’t expect to hear from you anymore. Thank you for everything.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever loved an IV Meth user, but if you haven’t, use your imagination. Weight melts off them because they don’t eat, their already muddy thinking gets worse due to not sleeping for days on end, and NOTHING is more important than staying high. He had already lost his house, his vehicle, and the people he loved. They had tried to help him for so long that they couldn’t bare it anymore and didn’t want to be around him when he was using.

He had been so transparent with me about everything. My answer to him was, “You better keep calling and checking in with me. I care about you.”

There were off days that month where he would not use meth. He would stop by my house to visit and tell me he wasn’t hungry, and I would cook for him anyways. He would tell me he wasn’t tired but would relax enough to catch a few hours of sleep. His life felt exhausting to me just watching from the outskirts.

The snow was deep that year and it was so cold. Negative numbers. During one visit I found he had developed frost bite on the flap graft on his left hand where his fingers had been from crawling places outside where his wheelchair wouldn’t go. He had been given the nickname King Kong from the way he crawled when he got around without his wheelchair. Every time he stopped by he seemed more fed up with the life he was living, but he was so used to it, that it seemed he had forgotten there was any other way to live. That day, I treated his hand the best I could, wrapped it up, and he was out the door again.

Sober visits in between using

One day all contact stopped. I left message after message. Voicemail after voicemail. Days passed. Nothing. Finally, I called and left a final voicemail, “If you don’t call me back I will come looking for you!” It worked. A few minutes later he was on the phone and I was headed his way to pick him up. During times like that I cajoled him into moments of himself. Often it was like visiting with two different people.

In February I had driven him to his probation appointment in Missoula, where he tested positive for meth and they had taken him to Missoula County Jail. I drove an hour home wondering what would happened next, but soon got a call that if I signed for his bail he could be released that day. I turned around and drove back to Missoula, signed his bail, and picked him up.

He didn’t stop using. My name was on the line since I signed his bail, and at the end of February, knowing he would go back to jail, he went to check in with his probation officer. They did send him back to jail. There he detoxed from meth in an isolation cell. He tells me that is where he looked into the mirror above his sink at his reflection and decided that he was done. He had grown too comfortable being incarcerated. It was easy. He wanted to experience a different side of life again. He called me twice a day from jail. Two fifteen-minute calls. I missed him but took comfort knowing he was safe and out of the elements. During one of our phone calls he expressed how much of an impact it had on him that I did not want to break contact with him when he started using again. That I still wanted to be around him and had faith that he would act in my best interest during any interaction we had. He promised me that meth would never come before me. I didn’t know if I could believe him and I think he didn’t know if he could believe himself, but I could hear the want for it in his voice.

Towards the beginning of March I got a phone call from Tommy’s lawyer. He could be released from jail if he had a place to go, and stay released if he followed all stipulations. Tommy’s honesty about his situation, and the fact that he went to great lengths to keep his drug life away from my life helped me make the decision to offer for him to stay with me. Knowing he had repeatedly tried to block me from his life while on meth led me to believe that he would continue to do the right thing where I was involved.

So, on March 7th he got out of jail…..and he moved in. His body was still detoxing from meth and we were figuring out the best way to move around my small, not super wheelchair accessible home. Soon our life fell into a comfortable rhythm of work, volunteering, and evenings and weekends together. Then, Tommy started working out again. He would wheel down the road a few miles, do burpees, and crawl at home.

After taking a fall out of the wheelchair before he had the FreeWheel attachment, he finished his run.

During a session of Veteran’s Treatment Court he was a part of, the participants were encouraged to attend the Veteran’s Suicide Awareness and Prevention run in April. The Veteran’s Court Judge would be running the half marathon (which is 13.1 miles). Tommy decided to run the half marathon too, while I opted for the 5k (3.1 miles).

I finished the 5k and was proud of myself for running the whole time. I have never been much of an athlete. I started walking the track backwards to find Tommy. When I found him he offloaded some of the clothes he had been wearing and took a drink break. He said, “My body wants me to give up… good thing I never listen to it!” He flashed a grin at me, gave me a quick kiss and was on his way. By April our friendship had turned into something more.

Tommy competing in the Veteran’s Suicide Awareness Half Marathon

When he finally crossed the finish line he threw himself out of his chair and onto the grass, gulping deep lungfuls of air. He had beat the Veteran’s Court Judge and was very happy about it! Pushing himself so hard, wanting to give up and then continuing anyway had given him a different kind of high. A natural form of catharsis that he had been craving. He was addicted.

Tommy enjoying stretching out on the grass after successfully completing his first half marathon

Since then we have been trying to find different ways to push our bodies. He has competed in six half marathons getting a better time each run. To help you understand how hard he has been training, the first half marathon he completed took him 2 hours and 33 minutes, the Billings half marathon he completed took him 1 hour and 33 minutes!!! He spends 2-5 hours training per day, six days per week. Lately, he has been running 30-50 miles per week. In the evenings he helps coach kids boxing and then follows by participating in the adult boxing program.

Tommy doing his version of a sprint across the football field in our hometown

This summer someone told him that he couldn’t make it to North Crow Falls, and to prove he could, he hiked up there without his chair. We got caught in a thunderstorm, so I hiked out to get camping gear and hiked it back in. It was a grand adventure! His perseverance through absolute exhaustion never ceases to amaze me.

Thanks to Impact Montana Tommy recently received a Grit chair, which has enabled him to traverse rough terrain. He is using it to train for the Baatan Memorial Death March which is a challenge we are looking forward to. We have been enjoying the freedom the Grit chair allows during Montana winters.

Tommy and I participating in a 5k in Helena

Also thanks to The Honor Group Tommy recently received a racing wheel chair. We are working on finding local spaces for him to train with it. Our first go around revealed that it will really help improve his time once it gets figured out! 

Tommy testing out his new racing chair at the University of Montana’s indoor track

The FreeWheel attachment has also been great in going over rough terrain. Most of the half marathons he has participated in are not designed for people that use wheelchairs and there has been gravel, dirt, and even a ditch Tommy had to navigate during his races!

I am so proud of this man. Throughout the last year he has reconnected with important people from his life. He has discovered how to achieve a natural high through exercising and competing. My kids and I, the boxing club, and his community service give him a sense of purpose.

Life is difficult for any of us to figure out. There are high peaks and low valleys, monotonous flat stretches, and unexpected obstacles littering all our paths. I strive to follow Tommy’s very stoic example and, without complaint, endure what needs to be endured and find humor and celebrate the little things. To truly live in the moment.

As we start our second year together, I am grateful to have him by my side. All those months ago when he promised he would never choose meth over me, he meant it and I am now convinced. It turns out the most powerful drug of all… is love.

Tommy and I after a hike to Schwartz Lake

46 thoughts on “Taming Kong

  1. Oh Dara. You come from one of the most loving, excepting families I know. This is a wonderful story. You are very loving and nurturing. May this journey be exciting and full of love.

  2. I am so happy for both of you. Tomy I’ve prayed for you for years, knew the heartache your family faced, but I always felt you’d overcome your demons. Blessings sent to you both… I’m glad you chose love.

  3. I have read about your races and training. I’ve seen a connection between you. Thanks for sharing the full story. May God bless snd strengthen you both, and your family.

  4. I love this! I have followed Tommy ever since he was blown up. He was in my nephews battalion. It has been a rocky road to follow, but so thankful you two have made it. You are both hero’s in my book.

  5. Dara thank you for sharing your and Tommy’s story. I often wondered how your two lives intertwined. I was so impressed when you two would show up for 5:30 am workouts only to see Tommy later on the Round Butte path or on the streets of Ronan working out.
    I would think to myself how lucky Tommy was to have you in his life. But in reading this I realize the love and respect is mutual and you both are blessed and lucky!
    I wish you all the best and may God continue to bless you both and fight the demons of addiction.
    Much love,
    Linda💕

  6. Dara, an amazing journey for both of you. Stephen and I hope we can be a part of your lives in the future and it can be incredible and joyful life if you choose it. We loved having you both there for the FLIC opening showing of the Last Beyond. Stephen was so proud to have you both there. Hope to see you soon.

    1. Absolutely the most beautiful written story about a young man I’ve known since his childhood! He tricked or treated every year at my house and I always looked forward to asking who do I have here and a big voice would say it’s Tomy Parker and he always had his younger siblings! Great memories. Dara this was the most heartfelt story and it brought tears of happiness for both of you! So proud of Tomy and prayed he would see this day and thanks to you for being there for him! It proves that LOVE conquers all! Hugs and lots of love to both of you!💕

  7. Thank you for sharing your story. Putting our truth cards on the table is one of the most liberating experiences in this journey of life. You are both inspiring me. Thank you so much!

    Joleen Barce

    1. Thank you for your words, Joleen. I love how you said, “putting our truth cards on the table”. It can be daunting but I believe we will find more connection than adversity in doing so!

  8. Dara, you brought me to tears. Beautifully written. So open. Your ability to thrive and find joy is remarkable. All my best wishes.

  9. Dara beautifully written!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not giving up on Thomas! Thank you to your family for all you have done for him. Glad you a part of our family! I love you!

  10. I have been following Tommy’s story since his injury. I know his mom through the bowling alley. I have and continue to pray for him daily. Thank you for sharing this open hearted account of your struggles, and triumphs! I would like to share this with my son if I may! God bless you both. ♥️Nadeen

  11. Dara, I honestly didn’t know about any of this and am so proud you are family. I almost don’t know what to say other than I wish the two of you the best that life has to offer. Keep the faith and the love in your heart. You probably saved this mans life. Tony, your journey has been long and hard for sure, but you went to the edge and found your way back. Together with family and love, you can overcome anything. Both of you are living proof.

    1. Phil, thank you so much for your kind words. I truly believe with family support and love you CAN overcome anything! I am so pleased to call you family. Wishing you the best!

  12. I just love this Story Dara!! It written so well and you had me tearing up because I am so happy for both you and Tomy. I only have known him since he was injured in the war. I’m just so so happy the universe brought you two together – it was definitely meant to be after all that time. God Bless you both.

    1. Thank you Sue! I could tell when I met you at the Honor Bowl that Tommy has a special place in your heart. It has been so fun getting to know you and I am so proud to call you a friend. <3

  13. Dara, no one who knew what was happening to Tomy can do less than marvel at the life you’ve created together. It seemed so easy through the lens of social media, like you just kind of melded together, yet we knew there was a story to be told. Thank you for your transparency. It will help inspire many people to think differently about seemingly hopeless situations… and give them the confidence to take a chance on love.
    Tomy! I know you know more than we that Dara is your ultimate wingman! She took you into her heart long before she took you into her home; it is in her heart you find refuge from the battery of daily life. I pray for your freedom… from the wounds that bind your soul more tightly than your body… and I give thanks to God for Dara, she is surely sent by Him to bless you and restore your faith in humanity. You guys are so stinkin’ adorable; I love your Facebook posts – they are a highlight of my scroll 🙂 Enjoy life; each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present!

    1. Thank you so much for your words. Social media often does make life look easy and sparkling. It was harder than I imagined opening up, but we hope to continue to do so in hopes that our transparency will inspire others to find freedom and faith in humanity!

  14. I knew parts and pieces of Tommy’s story. But this is so good (and hard) to read. It fills in the blanks. I have seen the love between you and Tommy and am glad to know how strong that love is. Very happy for both of you. Any relationship is work but your circumstance’s definitely made it harder then normal. So glad you both found each other again.

  15. Please write more, I am so interested in hearing more .
    God Bless you both, but it looks like He is doing just that.
    Write more, you have such.a talent and you have such loving hearts!

  16. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It brought peace and hope to my heart. I haven’t known you, but I know Ronan and have always been thankful for the way the town surrounded our family with love, and helped us “stand” after my dad was paralyzed with polio. Su Kidder DeBree

    1. Thank you, Susan. We are surely part of a wonderful community! I work at a local non-profit and every day am reminded how great our community is by our wonderful volunteers and donors.

  17. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I hope love continues to be the ultimate high for both of you. Dara and Tomy, blessings on you both!

  18. Thank you Dara for sharing yours and Tommy’s inspiring and beautiful story with everyone. I remember you as this beautiful lil blonde haired girl and now you are an absolutely amazing and strong young woman. I pray that y’all future together is filled with unfathomable joys and happiness. <3

  19. Thank you for this joyous story! To overcome these kinds of problems takes alot of resolve and heart on Tommy’s part and encouragement and love from you, Dara. God bless you both.

  20. Wow! Quite the incredible story! So proud to know Tommy’s family and have felt the struggle… as well, living with an addict and having children, this story gives me hope! Thank you for sharing your lives with us! Truly inspired inspiration!

  21. First, Tommy, thank you for your service, sacrifice and everything you have endured. I’m so glad you two found each other again and continue to love and support each other through thick and thin! You are truly an inspiring couple! Keep the faith in God, love and each other, things will continue to be an awesome adventure! Wishing all the best for you both! April~Beaverton, Oregon

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